Ich Bin Nicht Ich Ohne Dich
by FangirlOverEverything
Summary: A Tokio Hotel fanfic about my OC named Vanessa. She's bisexual, and when she gets kicked out for it, she tries to kill herself. But during her attempt, she meets a boy named Bill who saves her and changes everything.    Absolutely no twincest involved. :3
1. Please Don't Jump

Chapter 1: Please Don't Jump.

My name is Vanessa. I'm bisexual, and I've been kicked out of my house for it. I don't know why; I was just letting my mom know who I really am. She's always encouraged me to be myself, but when I decide not to keep myself so deep in the closet, she hates me? Fine, whatever. For a week now, I've been wandering the streets of L.A. feeling so alone, so angry, angry at myself and my mom and the whole world, wondering what to do. I had no idea my mom would act like this when I came out to her. I thought if she did get mad at me, my dad would try to stop her from being so cruel. But he didn't, he let it happen. He let her kick me out. What am I supposed to do now? I mean, I don't have anywhere at all I could go...if you're an LGBT teenager and want to come out to your parents, here's some advice: DO. NOT. EVER. tell your parents while you live with them still. Even if you're completely sure you'll be accepted, there's always a chance you won't be. I thought if I waited so long to tell them I'd be living a lie, but I guess sometimes the lie is worth it.  
>I looked at the deep cuts all over my wrists, arms and legs, then got my razor out and made some more cuts, ones that were deeper and bloodier than any I've made before. The dark red liquid dripped down from my arms onto my legs, and from my legs onto the bench I was sitting on. My razor had a lot of dried blood on it. I've been doing this for 3 years, but this isn't gonna help me anymore. I've been thinking about suicide even longer than I've been cutting, and after this had to happen, I know now that I'm ready to do it. I'm going to kill myself. Cutting has always helped me release my pain. That and listening to Tokio Hotel. I love Tokio Hotel, and especially Bill Kaulitz. Spring Nicht and Don't Jump are two of the songs that have helped me get through life. But I guess those things aren't gonna be enough to keep me alive any longer...<br>Even the big, bustling, city of L.A. was depressing. I guess the city decided to sleep that night, because the usually crowded streets were dismal and empty. This noisy city was actually quiet tonight. It was also darker than normal. The moon was only a crescent, not putting out much light, and there weren't even many stars. So the usually beautiful night sky didn't look so nice either. It was like nature was trying to depress me too.  
>After just walking around, not really going anywhere, I came to a hotel that looked easy to get to the top of and tall enough to jump off of and die from it. Tears started pouring down my face harder than ever as I climbed up of the building. After about 10 minutes, I still hadn't jumped. I was just sitting there on the edge with my face buried in my arms, crying. My tears started hitting my cuts, and it was stinging so bad.<br>Eventually I lifted my head, turned around, and was shocked to see saw a boy up with me. He looked like he was somewhere between 18 and 20, with spiky jet black hair that stuck up in all directions and looked like lion's mane. He had highlights that looked like they were white or platinum blonde, and tons of eyeliner and other makeup, dressed in all black. Even his nails were painted black. He had chocolate brown eyes and was pale. When I came to my senses, I recognized him as Bill Kaulitz, the man that it's been my biggest dream to meet since I heard of him in 2006. There I was, about to commit suicide, and that was how I was going to meet Bill Kaulitz. But I had no idea how he was about to change my life.  
>I was really surprised, so I shouted at him, "Oh my God... BILL KAULITZ? Why are you up here!"<br>"I was about to go out somewhere and I saw you sitting here on the edge of the building," he said, sweating and apparently out of breath by how his voice sounded. "I just couldn't live with myself if I left and ignored you. Are you planning to jump down from here?"  
>I nodded. "Yes. I just can't take all the crap in my life anymore. I've tried so hard to get out, but this is the only way."<br>"Well... don't. Don't do it, please, you can't. Bitte, bitte, spring nicht." His voice was quiet and he sounded really sad, and I could tell he was about to cry. I knew what he said, being such a huge fan and also having been teaching myself German. He told me 'please, please don't jump'...  
>I just stared at him, upset and confused."Why do YOU care? You're Bill Kaulitz, you have bigger things to worry about than some random idiot on a hotel roof! Go away and just leave me to die!" I screamed at him. I was treating him horribly, but what did it matter if I was planning to be dead in a minute?<br>He sighed and said, "Look, you're obviously a Tokio Hotel fan. Then you should know my song. 'I scream into the night for you, don't make it true, don't jump...' he softly sang. "No, this isn't the way out. That's the whole point of the song. That no one should think about suicide. That someone cares. No matter how convinced you are that no one loves you and you won't be missed, you will be by somebody. Come on, you can't do this. What's your name, anyway?"  
>I wasn't crying as hard now, but I was still sobbing and now I was way beyond confused. I wanted to know why this was happening and why Bill was being so nice. He didn't know who I was, I was just some psycho suicidal girl. And he's a German boy who has a famous, successful band with number one hits, and he has thousands of girls fangirling over him, me included. Didn't he have somewhere better to be? "I'm... Vanessa." I didn't talk in more than a whisper. This just couldn't be real<br>"Well, Vanessa, you seem hurt," he said while looking around at all my cuts, the most recent ones so deep they were still bleeding. He moved my long bangs out of my face and asked me if I had a home to go back to.  
>"No. I'm bisexual, and my parents kicked me out," I said still barely whispering, my voice shaking, so worried about what he would think about me being bi.<br>"Wow, that's horrible. How would you like to live with me and the band until you can find somewhere to go?"  
>That had put me in total shock. "Umm... wow. If you're serious, Bill, that would be amazing. I'm a huge fan. I always thought you seemed so kind. But I never thought you would wanna take someone like me in to live with you."<br>He smiled at me the best he could when he had now started crying, and said, "Well, you thought wrong. Come on, we're staying in this hotel right here."  
>After not much longer, we were in their huge hotel suite. Bill had told me Tom was out at a club, and Georg and Gustav were asleep. That was good, I had a while before they'd find out about me. I sat down on the couch next to Bill and asked him where I could sleep later. The couch was so soft I didn't even care if I would have to sleep there.<br>"Just for tonight, you can have my bed. It's clear that you've been through a lot, and you need a good night's sleep." Bill was looking straight into my eyes, and suddenly I realized how much more beautiful he was in real life. I had no idea why he was being so nice to me. Just then, Tom walked in the door."Hey, Bill, you got a girlfriend, huh? Yeah, about time," he said in a slurred voice as he stumbled into his room. Of course he was drunk. He's Tom. At least he wouldn't wanna know who I was until morning. Then it occurred to me that I'd had the same clothes on for a week. "Hey, Bill? Do you maybe have some extra clothes I can wear?" I asked him.  
>He started scanning over how I looked. I have long, straight black hair with purple streaks all in it, and a few zits that were covered up, but the concealer had come off. I was wearing a black and red Tokio Hotel shirt, a black skirt with the Tokio Hotel logo on it, and black converse. My clothes were torn and dirty, and especially my skirt was ripped the most. He laughed a little and told me, "You know, I like your sense of style. You're a few inches shorter than me, so my clothes won't really fit. But they'll work for tonight", he said, and then he looked in his bag and threw me some black pajamas. He was right, they didn't fit well considering he was around 6'1 and I was more like 5'4. I had to forget about wearing the pants, and shirt fit like a nightgown.<br>"So, Vanessa, would you mind explaining to you what's happened to you?" I said ok and sat back down.  
>I tried to speak without crying my eyes out again. "Well, there's been a lot of bad stuff in my life. I've been depressed for years, and that explains the cuts. What's made me live so long is the cutting... and your music. I've always wanted to let you know how your music has saved me. But, anyway, a week ago I decided to tell my parents that I'm bi, and my mom told me to get out. She said those thoughts came from the devil, and were ungodly and unnatural. She yelled at me, said as long as I liked both guys and girls I wasn't her daughter. She said all kinds of other horrible things too. She called my friends and said bad things to them, and she told me she didn't care where I stayed as long as it wasn't with her. Earlier tonight, every last bit of hope I had was finally gone when I realized there was nothing I could do. I decided to jump off of this hotel. Then..." I just couldn't holf myself back from crying. I felt bad because I had ended up crying on Bill's shoulder, and I bet he felt awkward. "Then you saved me."<br>Bill hugged me, and he felt so warm. He just let me keep crying on him. "Vanessa, can I tell you something?" he started to say. "I told the press I've never felt suicidal. And that I'm not gay. The first one is a lie, the second one is true. But when I was 16, I thought I was gay. I wasn't feeling anything for girls, and I felt like I had a crush on a guy I was good friends with. I was so confused because I thought I was gay, the thing I hated getting called every day, and I didn't understand anything that was going on. I felt like I needed to kill myself. But with some help from Tom, I found out that the whole thing was nothing. I didn't have a crush on my friend, I didn't like guys, I just really needed to find the right girl. Tom told me he didn't want me to die. We're so close and he wouldn't be able to go on without me. He cared, and he assured me he always would. And that's how I got the inspiration to write Spring Nicht. Now I'm still kinda depressed, but I don't think about dying anymore, and neither should you."  
>I just sat there, trying to take in all that he had said. "Oh my God. I never realized you'd been through so much too. I'm so sorry that happened."<br>"You don't need to be sorry. You had nothing to do with it." He glanced down at his watch. "It's past two in the morning. You look so tired, why don't you go to bed?" He gave me another hug, and I almost didn't wanna let go.  
>I tried to stop crying. I had on as much makeup as Bill and I could feel all the mascara and eyeliner running and making me look terrible, but I didn't care. "Ok, Bill... you get some sleep too, okay?" He showed me where his room was, and I went and sat down on the bed to think for a while. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that night.<p> 


	2. You'll Be Forever Sacred

Chapter 2: You'll Be Forever Sacred

I didn't get out of bed until around noon. Even then I was still tired, but I saw what time it was I decided to just get out of bed. As soon as I got up and left the room to get something to eat, I saw Tom in the kitchen eating from a big bag of skittles, and Georg and Gustav playing Guitar Hero with each other. Tom looked at me with a weird look on his face and said "Hey... who're you? What are you doing here?" Apparently he didn't remember drunkenly thinking I was Bill's new girlfriend last night. "Well, I- I- umm..." I always stuttered when I got really nervous, and right then I was definitely nervous. What was I supposed to say? "Hi Tom, my name is Vanessa and I tried to kill myself so I live with you now"? That wouldn't work. But just then, Bill got up and explained for me. "Tom, this is Vanessa. She's been kicked out of her house, she has nowhere to go and she was going to kill herself. I saw her on top of the building last night and I just couldn't let her jump. That's why I didn't meet you at the club. She's staying with us until she finds somewhere else to stay."  
>"Oh, wow, really? Oh no, but Bill, if the press finds out about her..."<br>"Don't worry, Tom. We can't put her through that so soon after everything else that's happened to her already. We'll keep this all a secret, and if she's with us at interviews or anything we'll try to make sure they know she doesn't want any attention on her. It might not work but we'll try. "  
>"Oh fine, she can stay. Just don't go taking in every suicidal person you see," Tom said, sounding a bit irritated.<br>It seemed like they both forgot I was there. They were talking about me like I couldn't even hear them. "Um, Tom? ...I'm standing right next to you," I reminded him.  
>He immediately turned back over to me. "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm Tom Kaulitz. But I guess you know that," he said. He smiled kind of a weak smile. Wow... even Tom is so much hotter in real life. For a minute all I could think about was Tom and Bill's amazingly good looks, and how they went from looking identical as little kids to looking like polar opposites. There wasn't a trace of makeup on Tom's face, and he was just slightly tanner than Bill. He also kept the brownish blonde hair color he and Bill naturally had and gotten huge dreadlocks. Bill had dyed his hair black, and it went from looking like Sasuke's hair from Naruto to looking like a lion. He was also just a bit paler than Tom, and he liked covering his face in makeup. You can still kinda tell that they're twins, but they also look just so different. But then again I like guys who wear makeup, and I love guys with spiky hair too.<br>When I stopped being so lost in thought, I suddenly realized that I was staring right at Tom! I had been completely spaced out. Now Tom was smiling a lot bigger. "Thinking about how hot I am, huh?" he said, laughing.  
>I was blushing, big time. Yes, he's hot. But I like Bill so much better. So I sarcastically said to him, "Yeah, Tom, you're soooo hot. You just need a bit more eyeliner. Maybe you can get Bill to do your makeup?"and then I rolled my eyes at him. Bill was sitting down writing something, but I guess he was listening to us because I heard him giggle. I was feeling a bit better already.<br>Eventally Georg and Gustav stopped playing Guitar Hero, and Bill had to explain again who I was. They were just as cool about everything, and also didn't mind that I was staying with them.  
>Just a few days later I had already become great friends with the band. I destroyed Georg in Guitar Hero and he kept wanting to play more songs. I always won. How could Georg be a bassist and I couldn't play anything, but I was so much better at Guitar Hero? After the tenth song I beat him at, Georg finally gave up. "Ah, forget it, Vanessa," he said. "You're too good at this. I'm always playing with Gustav or Tom from now on!"<br>I reminded Bill I still didn't have any other clothes and his still wouldn't fit me, so decided to take me to the only mall I'd heard of that was open 24/7. He just threw on some plain black skinny jeans, a black shirt that said "Satan knows you're a poser" in red letters (yeah, I'm gonna have to ask what that means), and some blue converse and left his hair like normal, spiked up and everything. I thought people would still recognize him like that, but maybe not.  
>When we got to the mall, at first I tried on silly stuff just because I loved Bill's adorable laugh. I tried on all kinds of the most ridiculous-looking things I could find. I even tried on a cookie monster suit and it looked so terrible on me! Then later I tried on a short sleeved minidress with Hello Kitty's face on the top and a hot pink tutu as the skirt, and white flats, with a big pink bow in my hair. That outfit was supposed something else that was silly, but I actually liked it. I walked out of the dressing room to show Bill, told him not to laugh at it, and he just stared. Then I got kinda nervous. "Bill... do you not like it?" I asked him.<br>He stopped staring and said, "No, no of course I like it! That actually looks great on you, in fact I think you should really buy it, it's just..."  
>"Oh yeah, my arms and legs. The scars... I forgot all about that."<br>He smiled at me and said, "Don't worry, we can cover it up with makeup. You can trust me to know EXACTLY how to keep those hidden." And I did trust him. When he (God forbid) finishes doing music, he should be a makeup artist. That or a fashion designer, because I would totally buy every single thing he made.  
>I tried on lots of other things and most of it I loved, but a lot of things really do look better on the rack. Most of it was from Hot Topic, my favorite store in the mall.<br>I ended up buying tons of shirts, dresses, beanies, skinny jeans, and jewelry, among other things. And shoes. Lots of shoes, especially boots. Bill kept pointing out shoes he liked, and I just had to get some of them. We also had to get them in Bill's size, of course. We even stopped and got a lot of makeup to share. Bill told me that his favorite brand is Maybelline, especially their eyeliner. What was great was that he only got stopped for maybe three or four autographs the whole time, so he was recognizable, but not to many people. After he showed me how to apply cover-up well enough to keep my scars covered, we both decided to go to bed. It was kinda early, but the band had an interview the next morning, and Georg had asked me to come. I really hope they don't ask about me... Bill said he'd make sure they know I don't want any attention on me, but still. That doesn't mean they won't still ask.  
>Gustav, Georg, and Tom all drove to the interview together and Bill and I went in his car. He told me to try and stay out of sight of the camera, and if the interviewer asked about me just to say that I'm his and Tom's cousin or something. I told him that yeah, I already knew everything. It's not like I wanted people to know who I was.<br>"We are here in L.A., with the very popular band Tokio Hotel. So, last year you guys released your English debut album, Scream, and already fans would like to know when you'll work on a new album," the woman interviewing them said.  
>"Well we're not really working on one yet but we do have some new songs that will be on a future album. We might call it Humanoid after one of the songs we wrote," Bill responded.<br>"Yes, we plan to maybe have a new album late next year. There's a single coming out a month before the album, called..." Tom paused and then continued, "uh, Georg, what was it called?"  
>"Tom you idiot, you helped write it and you forgot the name? It's Automatic in English and Automatisch in German."<br>"Nice, I'm sure everyone will be excited waiting for this album! It's January and you recently won the award for band of the year 2007, how did you feel about that?" the interviewer asked next.  
>"We were very excited to win the award! It's great to know that we have so many fans who support us," Bill said. "One thing we really enjoy doing for them is performing and dancing on stage."<br>"Yes, even if we are exhausted after each show we have so much fun and we love our fans, and we were so happy when we found out that we were band of the year," Tom said.  
>Finally Gustav decided to say something. "I don't think any of us expected to win, really, so it was great."<br>"Can you teach me to say something in German?"  
>"Zeig mir deine pflaumen," Tom told her.<br>The interviewer glanced over at him and said, " Okay, is that something bad, do we have to censor it?"  
>"Oh, no, you don't, it's nothing bad at all!" he exclaimed.<br>"So what does it mean? Can you say it to a boy?"  
>"Yes, you can say it to a boy."<br>"Yeah, it's just like saying 'hello, sunshine'!" Bill added in.  
>The interviewer asked a lot more questions, but it only went on for about 45 more minutes. I just stayed out of the way of the camera and the interviewer ignored me, thank God. But I'm pretty sure that earlier Tom taught that woman to say "Show me your vagina". And Bill said it meant "hello, sunshine"? Wow, I really question both of their sanity sometimes.<br>When the interview was over, I just had to ask the guys about the new songs they mentioned. Bill then directed me to come and listen to the songs they'd finished. "Since we're not really working on anything, we've only finished the single in English and German, a song that only has an English version, and another German and English song. They're different from what we usually write, but I think you'll like them." 


	3. Time Heals The Pain

**Chapter 3: Time Heals the Pain**

**The first song Bill played on his computer went like this: "Gonna be okay, gonna be okay, one day, one day. That day never came, that day never comes, I'm not letting go, I keep hanging on. Everybody says that time heals the pain. I've been waiting forever! That day never came." Oh wow, it applied to my life so much it felt like I could've written it. I wondered what inspired Bill to write something like that.**

**"Bill, I really like this one! But are you saying 'Time heals the pain' or 'Tom is a pain'? Cuz Tom is definitely a pain," I joked. Of course I knew he said "time heals the pain", it just sounded a lot like "Tom is a pain".**

**"Hey!" Tom remarked. "At least I don't wear makeup or have weird hair."**

**I looked over at Tom's huge dirty blonde dreads and was about to say something else when Georg spoke. "Really, Tom? So... you're saying that your hair is normal looking?" he said, grinning.**

**Georg took the words right of my mouth. Tom glared at him and said, "Okay fine, point taken. But I still don't wear makeup."**

**."Ugh, Tom, I agree with Vanessa. Maybe we should just re-record the song and I'll change the words to 'Everybody says that Tom is a pain', because it's totally true," Bill also joked. "Anyway, that song was called That Day. It's the song that we aren't making a German version for."**

**"Oh, why not?"**

**"Well, you know how we have songs like Beichte and Reden that only have German versions. We decided to have some songs that will only be in English as. Anyway, listen to this next song." He clicked on another file on the computer and the next song started playing.**

**After he showed me all the songs, I asked him if we could talk together privately. I wanted him to know more about me, and I wanted to learn more about him. He's just so fascinating. "Bill, I really love that song, That Day," I began. "It fits me so perfectly. Everyone who knew about my depression always told me I'd be okay one day, but as you saw last night it never happened, and it never does. Some people, a few of my closest friends, even knew about my bisexuality. They told me to tell my mom, that it would be okay. But it wasn't, and it isn't. If I thought it would be okay, I wouldn't have tried killing myself. I don't know if anyone will be able to make anything okay for me again. Your music helped for a while, but then I couldn't take it all anymore. You know, your songs are amazing. You're so deep."**

**"I'm kinda going through the same thing as you, and that's why I wrote That Day. I know so many people think I'm a girl, and when they find out I'm not, then they think I'm gay. I have so many dedicated fans who know I'm not gay, but random people on the street and people who don't like me call me a fag all the time. It's one of the things that upsets me the most. I'm not a girl and I'm NOT a fag either. I've told the press so many times, I am not gay. I get so depressed about it and everyone tells me it'll be okay, but I never am and never have been. So that's why I wrote the song. I also wonder if someone will ever be able to make me okay. "**

**I just sat in silence for a minute. It didn't surprise me that so many people called him a girl, gay, or a fag. I knew some of those people myself. But it surprised me that it has him so depressed. On TV he said he didn't care what people said about him. I thought he must've been so strong for being able to take it all. I guess that was just more lies he was feeding the press. "Wow. We've both been through a lot," I told him, breaking the slightly awkward silence.**

**"Yeah..." he hesitated and then said, "yeah, we have been through a lot. You know what I just thought of?"**

**"What?" I was really curious what he was going to say.**

**"Well, I wanna hear you sing. You're such a beautiful girl, and I bet you probably have a beautiful voice to match."**

**Now I was really blushing, and I couldn't believe what I just heard.. That was so sweet and so amazing. I've always dreamed of Bill even telling me I was pretty or nice or something, and he just called me beautiful. And he said he wanted me to sing. I think my heart stopped for a second. "Really? You want me to sing? What should I sing?"**

**He smiled his incredible, radiant smile and said, "Anything. It can even be a Tokio Hotel song. It doesn't matter at all."**

**I'm sure that I can't sing, but Bill gives me confidence. I'll sing for him. I decided to sing their song "Rescue Me".**

**"This used to be our secret, now I'm hiding here alone. Can't help but read our names on the wall, and wash them off the stone. I trusted you in every way, but not enough to make you stay, turn around. I've lost my ground. Come and rescue me, I'm burning can't you see..." I sang the whole song, and I must have gotten really into it and started singing kinda loud, because apparently the rest of the band heard me. Tom didn't even knock on the door, he just came in, and I guess that was an invitation for everybody else to come in. "Hey Vanessa, why were you singing our song?" said Tom. Gustav asked me, "Has anyone ever told you you can really sing?" and Georg said that he agreed with everybody else. When they all finally shut up I tried to tell them that I'm not that good, but Bill told them to get out, and they did. Then he said, "I was right, beautiful voice for a beautiful girl," he said as he was running his fingers through my hair. "And your hair is so soft. You've been using my shampoo, haven't you?"**

**"Yeah... thank you so much," I said while messing with his crazy huge hair (which was actually down at the moment, but still huge), "but you're a better singer than me. Anyway, you wanna go and grab something to eat? I'm kinda hungry."**

**Bill and I and the others all got some food, and we all sat by the tv eating and watching Pokemon. I can't believe they watch that show. I never would've expected it.**

**Bill rolled his eyes and said, "Oh mein Gott, Tom, how don't they recognize those people are Jessie and James?"**

**"I don't know, I mean, their disguises suck!"**

**"What I really wanna know is how that Meowth can talk!" Georg blurted out.**

**Wow, I love this. My favorite band is into Pokemon. And they all play the games, too. Later I'm trading Pokemon with Gustav, and I just looked at his cards. What's so weird is that Gustav HAS Pokemon cards in the first place! It's so much fun getting to know the guys and hanging out, finding out that we have more in common that I ever thought. Gustav is clearly a closet nerd. I wish he would talk more in interviews.**

**I also found out that Bill loves Harry Potter just like I do. His favorite characters are Fred and Luna, which is awesome because they're both a lot like him. It's SO cute how he wants to keep Dobby as a pet. When he told me that it took a minute to stop laughing. He's gonna be so disappointed when he reads the seventh book and finds out there's no way he can get a pet Dobby.**


End file.
